i haven’t talked a lot about my experiences with reiki here, at least not directly, other than to say that it is a daily practice.

and yet, one of the things i offer is reiki, and there are reasons why i believe in it enough to offer it.

when i was six years old, i had boiling water accidentally poured on me in the sauna and i spent a long time in the burn unit in ann arbor.

after that, saunas were not happy places.

except i grew up in northern michigan, the land of the finnish. saunas were a staple.

every saturday, we’d visit my grandparents for a sauna. every saturday, i’d sit huddled in a corner of the sauna, staring at the stove and hot water barrel, watching and waiting for something bad to happen. i never felt safe until i was back in the dressing room, but i could never tell anyone how scared i was.

later, my friends had saunas, and they were hard to avoid, especially since things like baking in the sauna + jumping into a freezing cold lake were supposed to be fun. i pretended they were.

in the beginning, i tried not to think about it at all. i certainly couldn’t talk about it. as time went on, i figured that it happened in the past and i certainly should be over it already. after all, it was a long time ago. after all, it could have been worse. after all, there were people starving.

then, i discovered reiki, and i started doing a reiki session for myself every night. slowly but surely, i discovered that i was not over it at all. all of the pain and fear and guilt that i had spent 25 years trying to ignore was suddenly right there, staring me in the face. it was like a gigantic knot that was tangled up with every single thing in my life.

to say that facing it wasn’t fun would be an understatement. it felt more like i was falling apart and i had no idea what to do.

i did the only thing i could do – i kept doing reiki sessions for myself. i had lots of crazy experiences during those reiki sessions. once, i felt a wave of intense heat everywhere the water hit. that was neat. i cried. a lot. (a fortunate or unfortunate side effect of this was that i now have no problem crying in public.) i had insights. it got easier to talk about it.

slowly, the knot began to unravel.

for much of the time, it really did feel like i was falling apart. however, the thing i started to notice was that every time something hurt, it would hurt for seconds, sometimes minutes, and then it would end. it felt clean, healing. afterward – always – i felt lighter, more free.

it’s been four years now. i think.

the knot is not completely unraveled. maybe it never will be.

it’s funny .. all those years, i wished that the accident had never happened. that i was me, but without the memories and the scar.

but it did happen. it’s part of me. it shaped me. and now that i am on the other side, i am profoundly grateful that it did happen. i can’t even be sorry that i spent all those years discounting the validity of my feelings. painful as the healing was (and is) at times, i learn so much about myself in the process.

in the end, it is this experience that – more than any other – taught me that whether i understand how this energy thing works or not, there is something to it.

when I say that i believe reiki works because i have seen what it has done for me, this is mostly what i am thinking about.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i had a thought about radiance that i want to share, but i have not yet found my words. while trying to find them yesterday, i took a short break, during which i discovered byron katie’s youtube channel.

one of the videos i watched was so lovely and so inspiring and so applicable. in it, byron katie is examining a woman’s belief that there is something wrong with her.

i felt lighter and more radiant myself after watching it.

“And from beyond the intellect, beautiful Love comes dragging her skirts, a cup of wine in her hand.”

– Rumi

gas station attendant to atlas: “i don’t have anything for you!”

atlas stands and stares.

gas station attendant to atlas: “but i don’t have anything!”

atlas stands and stares.

gas station attendant to atlas: “really, i don’t have anything!”

atlas stands and stares.

gas station attendant to me: “he thinks i have something for him but i don’t!”

me: “i know. it’s just that sometimes people do, so he’s eternally hopeful.”

when we were walking through the summer palace at the alhambra, my sister teased me about my absorption in a patch of yellow flowers in the garden when to my left was a view of the alhambra. it got me thinking about the photos that i like to take.

when i am visiting somewhere new, my favorite photos are often ones that are not necessarily pictorial representations of that particular place. people who are watching me take photos will often comment that i could have taken those photos anywhere. i suppose that’s true, but when i see them, they bring back the place and the moment to me in a way that photos of the place itself often cannot.

really, i want to capture the feeling or the essence of the place. that’s what helps me remember it long after i return. that’s what helps me remember how i felt when i was there.

in the alhambra, those feelings included beauty and inspiration and awe.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

my new plan is that if i can’t decide whether an image better represents radiance or luminosity, it represents both.

that’s how i feel about this image. i don’t actually know why i can’t decide which it is. it looks like i would definitively say radiance, and yet, i can’t.

i do, however, think it is a very good depiction of the series title: the dawning of the light.

p.s. if you happen to use a reader, it appears that my feed is not working. i’m very sorry. i have no idea why this is as of yet, but i am optimistic that i will figure it out eventually.

a dear friend of mine moved to portland a while ago. i get to see her often, which is the loveliest thing ever. it reminds me of high school and college, when i would spend as much time as possible with my friends. of course, no matter how much time i spent with them, it was never enough.

one day, that changed, and i spent much more time on my own than i did with friends. i could blame the 8-11 hour work days, but that wasn’t entirely it.

the stories i told myself were that i was an introvert, that i liked spending time alone, that i liked spending lots of time alone, that i was fine with seeing my friends only occasionally, that i needed lots of alone time to replenish.

hahahahaha.

my pure unadulterated delight at spending all this time with my friend is making me rethink those stories. it turns out, none of them are entirely true.

the thing i realized is that i need to spend much more time connecting with people than i have ever allowed myself to admit. i need true, deep, rich connections.

it turns out that i have spent a lot of my adult life feeling lonely.

only i never realized it.

if i had realized it, i don’t know that i could have admitted it, even to myself.

it is hard for me to admit that i need other people. that need involves other people. i like things that i can accomplish on my own; they feel easier and safer.

things that involve other people make me feel vulnerable. vulnerability is scary. (scratch that. it’s bigger than scary. vulnerability is terrifying.)

the biggest reason i would never have admitted that i was lonely, even to myself, is that i was ashamed.

as if feeling (being) lonely was something to be ashamed of.

i don’t know why this is, but i suspect that it has something to do with low self-worth and the belief that loneliness is visible and self-perpetuating. as in, if i need connection, clearly i don’t deserve connection; if i deserved it, i would have it already and wouldn’t need it.

this reminds me of an episode of frasier. (i am slowly making my way through every single episode. i love that show.) in this particular episode, frasier was analyzing his relationship troubles with the help of the voices (in his head) of two ex-wives, an ex-girlfriend, and his mother. finally, he says something like, “you mean it comes down to fear of rejection?! you mean i’m alone because i’m afraid of being alone?!”

yes. something like that.

the thing i can see, in retrospect, is that if i had admitted to myself that i was lonely, maybe i would have been able to do something about it. maybe i would have made time with friends more of a priority. maybe i would have made finding kindred spirits more of a priority. maybe i would have felt the loneliness and learned that it wouldn’t devour me.

the thing i can also see, in retrospect, that if i had admitted to others that i was lonely, or that i needed/wanted connection, that it would have been a way of letting people in. letting people in is something i am not terribly good at doing. i am much better at keeping people out.

this feels like a very messy ending, but this is not the sort of thing that i can tie up with a nice neat bow.

this is a thing that is very hard for me. it is hard for me to admit. it is hard for me to work on.

it feels big and scary and messy – but it also feels important, and so i am practicing reaching out and being vulnerable.

when we were in madrid, we went to the prado museum. my favorite paintings were the ones that depicted myths and legends. not because of the paintings themselves, i must confess, but because i was captivated by the stories.

i love myths and legends. i always have. some of them were old favorites, but some were new.

want to hear my absolute favorite story?

hercules was the son of zeus (the king of the gods) and the nymph alcmene. alcmene was mortal, so hercules was mortal when he was born. in order to make his son immortal, zeus held baby hercules to his wife hera’s breast while she was asleep. when she woke up and saw a strange baby at her breast, she pulled away and the spurting breast milk formed the milky way.

isn’t that the best story! as soon as i read it, i ran around the wing looking for helen so i could tell it to her immediately.

i cannot see the milky way now without thinking about that story.

“Without your wounds, where would your power be? The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken in the wheels of living. In love’s service, only the wounded soldiers can serve.”

– Thornton Wilder

have i mentioned that i love graffiti? i do. i really do.

a friend of mine is living with me for the moment. over the years, i’ve occasionally worried that i was too old and too set in my ways to enjoy living with someone, but it turns out that i worried for nothing. living with a dear friend is really wonderful and i feel so lucky to have the opportunity. also, i am learning to enjoy the smell of coffee in the morning. i have decided that this bodes well for the future.

on a not entirely unrelated note – since you can live with roommates or significant others – if you happen to be single (and looking), i heartily recommend reading getting naked by harlan cohen. i saw it on a table of books at b&n and the title made me smile so i picked it up. the letters and replies he included (he’s an advice columnist) made me laugh so much that i bought the book. it is seriously the funniest and most useful book on relationships i’ve ever read. plus, i have managed to apply it to friendship and work. fair warning, my conversation is now peppered with, “as harlan says ..” or “i suspect harlan would say ..” yes, we are apparently on a first name basis. he is changing my life, one person at a time.

want to know how to make the best green smoothie? you need kale, a banana, and strawberries. first, slice the banana and eat the slices with a nutella-like spread. (the cocoa almond spread from trader joe’s is really good.) second, add the kale to a salad and top it with lots of thousand island dressing. third, eat the berries with sugar and cake and ice cream or whipped cream. de-licious.

how’s your monday so far?