{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

radiance & luminosity. while walking back to the hostel from the alhambra.

(i am still without my camera, so i might be drawing from the archives for a while.)

in case i haven’t mentioned it lately, i have things for sale! yay! in case you are in the mood for some shopping, i thought i’d mention a few of them.

you should buy a set of my cards! they are such a lovely way to tell someone you love that you’re thinking of them. think about how you felt the last time you received a piece of mail that wasn’t junk mail or a bill, a piece of delightful and wonderful mail that was meant just for you. now, just imagine how you’ll feel when you’re writing and sending the cards, knowing how they’ll brighten someone’s day.

if there is a particular set of cards that calls to you, you could also frame one or more of the cards. some people have done just that. it is an easy way to add a dash of beauty and art to your home.

remember the secret garden? my 2012 patron program that is full of happy surprise, delight, and gleeful anticipation? in honor of my new website, i added a few more openings. registration closes on june 15.

why should you become a patron? as one patron said when she got her card set, “this is why you should be a patron, people! presents! i had forgotten all about the cards so this was the best surprise! i love this one the most! and this one!”

you can also buy images to go! these are images that you can use for pretty much any purpose under the sun: art projects, computer backgrounds, business cards, website, holiday cards, t-shirts, presentations .. you name it. the options are endless.

i rotate the collection of images whenever i feel inspired to do so.

it seems i have inadvertently trained atlas to connect the act of me whispering his name with the idea that there is something exciting nearby that he needs to find. whenever i whisper-say “atlas,” he acts as if i’ve just told him there’s a squirrel or kitty nearby and his ears perk up and his eyes fill with excitement and he begins looking all around for it.

i suspect this could be a problem in the case of an event during which i might want to whisper and have him pay attention to me. say, in the event of a home break-in, or a starring role in a movie, or a game of hide-and-seek.

we followed the sound of music on easter sunday to the cathedral in granada. the morning sun was streaming through the windows of the cathedral and there were two rays of light, one of them right over the head of the priest.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

when i was young – maybe in eighth grade – it was time to change or end a friendship. i didn’t know how to navigate that transition, so i just stopped speaking to that person.

i have regretted it ever since. until this week, i felt so much guilt and shame about what i did that i almost never talked about it to anyone.

right before my senior year of high school, a friend of mine stopped speaking to me. i never knew why.

it also made perfect sense. i believed i was worthless. when she stopped speaking to me, it seemed proof that i really was worthless. of course she stopped speaking to me. i wondered that she had ever been my friend at all, or that anyone else ever had.

when i talked through the two experiences with a friend, the thing that struck me is that i use what i did as proof that i am a horrible person, while i would never think that about my old friend. i hold what i did against myself and use it to beat myself up, over and over. i also use it as a way to beat myself up for having been on the other side, because clearly it was doubly deserved.

from this vantage point, i feel so much compassion for younger me. she was struggling with worthlessness and a sense of not belonging anywhere, even in her own skin. it was a very hard age. she really was doing the best she could.

i also feel so much compassion for all of us. we are all holding stories inside, feeling scared and ashamed and alone, and our stories grow bigger and bigger and bigger until they consume us.

it makes me wish that we could let things into the light a little more, where we can see that we are all doing the best we can in any given moment, that we are almost always our own worst critics, and that even in our darkness, we are never really alone.

“And the sun and the moon sometimes argue over who will tuck me in at night. If you think I am having more fun than anyone on this planet, you are absolutely correct.”

– Hafiz

this photo was taken in the alhambra. i saw a ray of evening light in the palaces and wanted to capture it as it streamed through the window and then through a doorway. it conveys how i feel about the alhambra and the moorish style of architecture and design better than words ever could. come to think of it, so does the quote.

(a million thanks to gillian for putting this quote on her facebook page. it is my new favorite.)

i have too many vacation photos!

goodness. imagine if my camera hadn’t broken. i would be even more confused right now. i also have too many things i want to talk about, vacation related and otherwise.

i am reminded of something i read once: when you are confused about what to do, the best thing to do is to do nothing. ergo, i may be more silent than usual until i find my voice again.

these photos were taken from my sister’s balcony as an easter procession went by. i arrived in spain toward the end of semana santa (holy week) and i think i saw four easter processions in total: two in alicante and two in granada. there was something about the solemnity of the parades that was very moving.

p.s. i realized yesterday that the subscribe by rss and email options were for my previous typepad blog. oops. they should be working now, so if you signed up before yesterday evening, you might want to sign up again.

yesterday morning, i went for a walk with atlas. he paused at the blackberry brambles, having caught the scent of a cat. while he sniffed, i watched a little round bird trill from the top of a vertical branch.

i decided to offer up a prayer of thanks, “thank you for the possibility of an unexpectedly delightful and magical day”. then, i decided it was better posed as a question, “what if today could be unexpectedly delightful and magical?”

a few seconds later, a flash of blue flew across the blackberry brambles and into the trees.

i have seen a lot of blue birds (not necessarily bluebirds, but birds that are blue) in my day – two of them visited the rain gutter outside my bedroom window every evening around 5pm for many months – but i have never ever seen a bird this blue. it was incredibly and indescribably vivid and vibrant. i made atlas leave the kitty so i could follow the bird into the trees and admire it some more.

all the way home, i felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

that’s exactly how i feel about my new website. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

doesn’t allie do amazing work?! i cannot thank and appreciate her enough. when i was looking at the site last night, getting even more excited to show it to you, i got a little teary, knowing that it was going to be my new online home.

i hope you feel at home here as well.

you are welcome here.
always.
exactly as you are.

i am so honored that you are here.

as i was resting in child's pose on my bed in a hostel in marrakesh on the morning of my 35th birthday, one of the thoughts that crossed my mind was, "i wonder why people like me?" not in a "i wonder what it is" sort of way but in a "i can't imagine why they would" sort of way.

almost immediately, it was followed by the realization that it was actually an old thought and i don't wonder that anymore. i could see that i have a good heart and that people might like me. not that i think everyone likes me, or that i think everything about me is likable, just that i am starting to see the good in me too.

it was such a lovely thing to realize as i turned 35 that i cried a little. better late than never, i guess.

i hope you can see all the good in you.

want to hear a cute atlas story?

when i picked him up, sam told me that every night at the doggy ranch, atlas stands in front of his crate. sam has to bend down and give him a huge hug around the neck and look him in the eyes, and then atlas turns around and trots into his crate.

one night, sam gave him a hug but atlas didn't go into his crate afterward. sam was trying to figure out what it was, and then he realized that he forgot to look atlas in the eyes. apparently it doesn't count if there isn't eye contact.

isn't that the sweetest story? now, i am trying to remember to look him in the eyes every night when i thank him for being the best puppy in the world and for spending my day with me.