i am popping in to remind you that there is still time to take advantage of my midsummer special on the pause. it might be the perfect way for you to rest and recharge and renew – all in the comfort of your own home.

in case you’re wondering what the experience might be like, the lovely maryann devine wrote the most beautiful description of her experience, and she gave me permission to share it with you.

The first time I experienced Elizabeth’s Pause, it felt like it was unlocking that part of me that actually could relax. It was like opening up a door to a room I didn’t know was there. Which was huge.

if you’ve been wanting a way to put down your to-do lists and take some time for yourself, do check it out. the special is good through the end of july.

{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i have to tell you a funny story about radiance, at least it’s funny to me, hence the reason i have only one photo – for radiance.

without planning it, i have spent a lot of time this year on beauty and style and appearance. i bought some new clothing. i went through my closet multiple times, each time saying goodbye to more items that didn’t fit or that i didn’t love or that didn’t feel comfortable or cute or flattering. (it was too uncomfortable to do this in one fell swoop.)

at the moment, there is nothing in my closet that i do not love and feel good in. it is such a strange feeling. i often open my closet door and think, “but i just want to throw on something that doesn’t look cute!” that thought makes me laugh, because it is the opposite of how i thought i’d feel when i got here. this is not to say that i don’t like it; it’s just quite the identity change.

in the past month, i spent time and money on a pedicure and an eyebrow wax and highlights, things that were long overdue. i’ve always wanted to get my eyebrows waxed, but it seemed unnecessary or silly or indulgent. (for me. not for others.) i even bought a hint of makeup! (i feel like i am learning to be a girl at 35.)

i think about all of this a lot, partly because i love style anyway, and partly because sometimes i worry that this is a distraction, not important, even though deep down, i know that it is exactly the right thing to be focusing on right now. there is something about it that is very very important.

one day, i told a friend of mine that maybe the reason it is important is because it’s related to power – one of my words for 2012 – which i think of as wholeness. it seems like a way of giving attention and focus to my body. i am a mind person. my longstanding pattern is to give no attention to my body, unless it is to berate or punish it.

she told me that she thought i was going to say it was related to radiance!

i was writing this morning and i started laughing, because radiance seems so obvious in retrospect.

it reminds me of when someone told me that i need to be taking more risks. i completely agreed, and i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do. a year later, i realized that the thing that scares me the most is relationships and emotional vulnerability and using my words. that was where i needed to be taking my risks. it was so obvious (and obviously impossible seeming in that moment) that i didn’t even see it.

the same is true for radiance. when i knew that radiance would be one of my words for 2012, i had no idea what on earth i could do to focus on it. i thought about it over and over. i was at a complete loss. i could not think of anything to do.

then, i somehow started thinking about things related to beauty and style and appearance. the right thing to do was so obvious that i didn’t even see it. until half a year later when i connected the dots. (well, when my friend connected the dots for me.)

i might chuckle about this for the rest of the year.

seen and heard from the front porch of barista in the pearl:

the balance of opposites (on a t-shirt)

“dude” (a man of business)

hunt & gather: treasures for the home & soul (a sign)

carton service (faded white paint letters on the side of a brick building)

“now means straightaway” (a small blond curly-haired girl in a pink tutu, said with a british accent)

the gadsby building 1906 (gold letters on a plaque)

a happy sigh (me, happily people & style-watching on a perfect afternoon)

whenever i see atlas happily wriggling around on his back in the grass, i kind of want to try it myself. he makes it look so delightful.

if you’ve tried it, please do tell me whether i’m missing out. i am so curious.

i feel the urge to share a little about where i am these days, only in a perfectly imperfect fashion, so it’s possible this may seem more rambling than usual. i am just warning you in advance.

for the past many months, i’ve felt the occasional urge to apologize for neglecting my blog. i have managed to restrain myself. partly because blog writing and online time ebbs and flows, much like everything else in life, so change feels natural and inevitable and expected. partly because i am trying to break a bad habit of feeling like i need to apologize for pretty much everything. partly because i think the only person who thinks i am neglecting my blog is me, and that’s only because i have been blogging almost daily since 2007 so anything less than that feels like neglect. i like to blog when i feel inspired. i don’t want to turn it into a should.

i came home from spain feeling rather discombobulated and things have been shifting ever since. well, they were shifting before that – and have been for a long time – but it feels even deeper now.

i am in an interesting place for me. i feel very wordless. there are so many things i want to talk about – style, how beauty is a need, morocco and disappointment, finding my way to my own truth, books and reading and holding a vision, why i cried after buying a pair of paige jeans .. the list goes on and on. and yet i remain without words for any of it.

when i think about it, it makes sense that i am wordless. i am going through identity change and inner shifts at a faster and faster pace. right now, i am rewriting old stories – stories that say that i am worthless, that people don’t like me, that i don’t deserve friendship and love, that i am ugly on the outside and inside. i am learning that what i feel and need and want is important. i am learning that i can go after what i want and get it. i am learning to use my words in relationships. i am learning that people can be annoyed with me and it’s not the end of the friendship. i am learning to eat when i’m hungry. i am changing my patterns of punishing my body and myself for perceived flaws/failures. i am learning how to be vulnerable. i am learning to bear disappointment. i am learning how to not take things personally and how to not to see rejection where it doesn’t exist. i am learning that i am the expert on my own life. i am learning to take emotional risks. i am uncovering and shifting old stories that keep me from doing things i want to do. (goodness. i didn’t realize how much i was shifting until i wrote this and i didn’t even write all of it. clearly i don’t do anything half-heartedly.)

it makes sense that i am wordless. i don’t exactly know who i am from day to day. this is not to say that i am changing; it feels more like i am finding my way back home.

instead, i am refilling my well. i am spending time with friends and exploring portland and sitting in cafes and eating ice cream and hiking. i am making my current offerings even more congruent and working on new offerings related to stories. i have completely overhauled my wardrobe, am finding my way to my own style, had my first brow wax, bought makeup, and my hair is sun kissed again. (someday, i want to write about why this is important for me to focus on right now.) i am putting effort into the things i thought i would do or have someday. someday when i was finally successful enough or thin enough or whatever enough. someday when i was finally enough on the outside to make up for what i thought i wasn’t on the inside. someday when i was finally worthy of the things that i thought were reserved for other people – things like friendship and love and beauty.

it is an interesting, if unusual and unexpected, place to be.

no, i’m not in cuba. however, i would like to be.

i went to pambiche, a cuban restaurant in portland, with friends. the food was delicious – hence the reason i would like to visit cuba. i made everyone wait before eating dessert because i just had to take pictures of all of them. aren’t they pretty!

this is atlas when he wants me to do something.

the trouble is that this is also atlas when he wants me to do something and i don’t know what it is.

if he could speak, i feel like he would say, “look at me, being such a patient dog. i just sit and wait and sit and wait. i don’t know why it’s taking you so long. i really could not have expressed myself any more clearly.”

something that i learn over and over – and was reminded of again this evening – is that when there is a thought rolling around in my head that feels big and real and true and painful, the best thing i can do with it is to tell someone. not anyone – but someone who can listen and receive it with love. it never feels as big and real and true once it’s been witnessed.

i was thinking about how helpful it is for me to be able to speak (or write) my thoughts, and it reminded me that if i have any superpowers, one of them would be that i am very good at making people feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

if there is something rolling around in your head that feels big and real and true and painful, and you want to be witnessed, i want you to know that you are welcome to share the thought with me. just send me an email. i have a heart full of love and compassion, and i am happy to listen.

i had lots of fun taking pictures of graffiti in spain. i have a longstanding but vague dream of some sort of photo display in my house with all my favorite graffiti images, so i like to collect new ones whenever i can.

while we were taking the bus up to the alhambra, we passed through a neighborhood with the most amazing graffiti on the whitewashed walls. i think my jaw might have been on the floor. i decided we just had to walk back down through that neighborhood in order to take pictures of the graffiti. (we didn’t. it was twilight when we left.) however, there were construction fences in front of most of it, in a way that made me think they were going to paint over it and were possibly not as enamored with it as i was. it was such a good reminder that not everyone sees things in the same way, and art can be just as controversial as it is celebrated.

“fort july day is a day to play on the trails and visit the stone fort, right?” says atlas.

“why yes, atlas. it is indeed.” says elizabeth.

oh, to be young again, and borrow a hammer and nails and a very floppy saw and set off into the woods to build a fort. i miss that.