i want to talk about style and why it is important right now. the trouble is that i keep coming up with more and more reasons why it’s important for me – it’s a reflection! being my own expert! i am a thoughtful curator! when x happens, then y can happen! honoring my body! – and if i write about them all, this is going to turn into a novel.

so, let’s start with one of them.

i found myself sobbing on the drive home from an afternoon that included shopping so i followed the tears to their source in my journal.

it was a long meandering trail. i think i will just share it with you.

begin journal entry.

first, i was thinking about going dancing and how one of the troubles with it is the inevitable, “but what do i wear!” and how it feels vulnerable and silly to ask that question. i think that same thing trips me up for other activities.

it made me wonder if i think that people whose style i am drawn to must know how to do things that i want to do. or that they know how to do things in general. and that their sense of style somehow reflects that knowing. so clearly i can’t have a sense of style because i don’t have that knowing.

looking at people’s clothing is one of the ways in which i tell myself that i am an outsider. that of course i don’t (or won’t) fit in because i don’t know how to dress like that.

it feels like it has something to do with belonging.

it seems common to think that the right clothing makes you belong. on the one hand, i imagine that if i had the right clothing, i’d feel like i belonged. on the other hand, i imagine that unless i belong, i can’t have the right clothing, because clearly it’s the belonging that makes the clothing possible. clearly that feels like something that is impossible to achieve.

it feels like it has something to do with homecoming too, as in, coming home to yourself.

do i think that the right clothing makes you feel at home in your own skin? or do i think that’s how it works? but i know that clothing hasn’t made me feel comfortable in my skin so clearly you have to feel at home in your skin and then you have the right clothing – and maybe i think that’s impossible? but do i really think it’s impossible to feel at home in your own skin?

is it something about seeing what i want and having a sense of how i think it will make me feel – and knowing that it truly won’t make me feel that way so it seems impossible to get to the feeling if i know deep down that the thing i think will get me there won’t get me there at all?

that does make sense. it seems like it would show up more clearly in fashion because it’s easy for me to look at something and know that i like it and not be able to see at all how i get to be the person who can wear it.

i wonder if it’s partly “now is not then”.

there was a version of me who did wear clothes that she liked and felt cute in. she remembers that clothing didn’t do the magical things i suspect she always thought it would.

(because of course, in my head, it was the girls who were cute and thin and looked cute in what they were wearing who were popular and got the boys and also seemed to be comfortable wherever they went or whatever they did.)

that version of me remembers that it didn’t work that way for her. she didn’t get the boy or feel at home in her body or feel at home in the world or feel cute enough or thin enough. she still felt wrong underneath. horribly wrong. and eventually things became hard and sad – and then out went the cute clothing and in came the fleece pants.

i understand that clothes aren’t the thing that changes everything (except in the sense that they can help you practice and remember and focus). i understand that it’s actually the inner work that changes things. but that version of me doesn’t know that.

ohhhhhhhhhhhh.

it is bigger.

it is “now is not then” and it is also that i can see that now it is different.

this time, my style is not changing (wait, can you call fleece pants a style?) because i think it is going to magically change things and make them better. it is changing because now i am doing the work that actually matters. this time, the outer changes are a reflection of inner shifts, and reflecting inner work on the outside feels big and scary.

end journal entry.

clearly, in my case, retail therapy is highly effective!

if atlas is with me and i have to run inside a building that doesn’t allow dogs, i tie him up outside. when i come back, he tries really hard to get inside the building. i imagine that he wants to see where i went without him. (he is always trying to sneak inside my apartment’s leasing office before the door closes behind me.)

when we went hiking the other day, i tied atlas up outside the restrooms while i went inside. when i came back, no one was around, so i just unhooked the leash from his collar while i untied and untangled it instead of holding onto him with one hand, which is what i usually do.

when i looked up from the leash a second later, there was atlas, trotting happily past the men’s restroom and right into the women’s. he looked as pleased as punch.

oh, did i laugh. it’s a good thing no one was around. i imagine that would have been quite a shock.

i have a very long list of livelihood-related things that i want to spend time on. and yet, lately, i haven’t.

sadly, i have been giving myself grief for this. either i tell myself that i’m horribly lazy and unmotivated or else i tell myself that clearly there is something in the way and what on earth is wrong with me that i don’t want to figure out what it is and work through it.

what have i been doing instead? i’ve been creating a style lookbook, writing cards/letters, eating ice cream, watching shows on netflix, and spending time by the pool.

do you know what i just realized? of course this is what i’m doing. it’s hot here! most of the things i want to do involve time at the computer and it’s just too hot for me to do my best work.

sheesh. i think the heat is sapping my brain.

on the up side, i bought myself an ice cream cake. it came up in a conversation and sounded really good and i said, “i should buy one!” that’s normally the sort of thing i would say and then dismiss. an ice cream cake seems special – something to buy for other people, not just for me. then, i decided that was actually the perfect reason to buy it – it would be a good way of showing myself that i am special too. it’s very tasty! if you live nearby, there’s still some in the freezer.

“We live in the world when we love it.”

– Tagore

when people ask for photography advice or suggestions, i always shy away from answering. it feels like i am the least qualified person ever to answer that question and have nothing useful to offer – because i don’t know so much more than i do know and because mostly i just play and have fun and see what happens.

except of course i have thoughts. (ha. of course i do. i have thoughts on lots of things, including things that i practice much less often – or never – than i practice photography.)

so, in this moment, here are my photography tips. i may have more later.

(use at your own risk. what i mean by that is, if there is something that appeals to you, use that and discard the rest. you are the best authority on you. this applies to everything, including photography tips.)

take pictures. a lot of pictures.

this is easier with digital cameras. yay, digital cameras! when i was young, i would often use an entire roll of film on a breaking wave. i liked waves, and every forward movement of the wave seemed even more photogenic than the last. i am very used to deleting (or discarding) pictures.

it’s partially the law of averages – the more photos you take, the more likely you are to take a photo (or photos) that you really love.

it’s also practice. the more photos you take, the more photos you see, and the more quickly you learn the compositions and subjects and and and that you prefer. this is how i learned about the rule of thirds. i took so many photos of nature that i noticed that if the main thing i wanted to capture wasn’t precisely in the center, i was more inclined to like the result. when i learned about the rule years later, it all made sense.

of course, the opposite is also true. there is something to be said for limiting yourself to a single photo and taking time to find just the right subject and to compose the photo in the way that feels just right and then experiencing the result. if you’re in need of a challenge, maybe this is it.

take pictures of things that you love.

you’re drawn to things. follow that!

it seems silly to try to force yourself to take pictures of things that other people take pictures of, or to capture things in ways that other people capture them, or to take pictures that you think other people want to see, if it’s not something you’re drawn to.

if you’re drawn to people, take pictures of them! if you’re drawn to flowers and birds and bees, take pictures of them! if you’re drawn to buildings, take pictures of them! if you’re drawn to light and shadow, take pictures of them! if you’re drawn to ice cream cones, take pictures of them!

your pictures are another reflection of you. it might feel vulnerable to share that piece of you, so you have total permission to never share anything with anyone ever.

i love atlas, the natural world (particularly flowers and trees and water), details, daily life, art, and lines/angles/color/pattern. can you tell?

again, the opposite is also true. there is something to be said for stepping out of your comfort zone. you might not need to take pictures of things that you don’t love, but it might be a good challenge to take pictures of things that you don’t normally capture. say, people instead of scenery or details instead of the entire scene.

play.

play!

hold your camera above your head or at water level or put it underneath a flower. snap a photo from your hip while you’re running with your dog or your child. put your camera on a new setting and take some pictures and see what happens. sit or lie down or twist at an odd angle. close your eyes.

use a slow shutter speed and press the shutter while you’re moving the camera. shoot through a sheer colorful fabric. hold a toilet paper tube or a kaleidoscope in front of the lens. shoot directly into the sun. cut off the top of someone’s head. stand too close to your subject. take a blurry picture.

ignore all the rules. break all the rules. don’t listen to anyone’s advice. do whatever you want.

in this case, i don’t think there is an opposite. when it comes to photography, play is work and work is play.

on that note, be your own expert.

you get to like your photos, whether anyone else does or not.

now it’s your turn!

feel free to agree or disagree or discuss or add your own.

atlas and i hiked to angel’s rest yesterday while my carpets were being cleaned. i like the hike – it’s not too far from portland, it’s in the gorge, a portion of it is shaded, and it’s less than 5 miles (the last two being important for a summer hike with a dog, i must say) – but i hadn’t done it in years.

i will confess that it was not as much fun as it could have been. this was purely my fault. i remembered the hike as being less rocky than it was, so i wore my five-fingered shoes, which have very little protection. i said “ow! ow! ow!!!” a lot.

can you tell what atlas thought about the hike? i will say that he did not like my ow-ing. (on the way down, i was idly wondering if that was how the trail felt on his feet, only i think his foot pads are much tougher, and possibly more cushioned, than my human feet.)

oh, mary oliver, we really should collaborate on a book of poetry and photography, you and i.

last year, i stumbled across a website for farm to fork, an oregon event company that hosts dinners where you travel to an oregon farm and meet the farmers and winemakers and eat a meal outdoors in community. it sounded so amazing that i immediately added it to my (very long) list of things that i wanted to do someday.

a friend and i, somehow, serendipitously, heard about this year’s dinners at the same time. we both wanted to go so we bought tickets for the dinner in bend the morning they went on sale. the bend dinner was in july, which seemed like light years away at the time.

the dinner was last saturday!

oh my goodness. it was so wonderful.

we toured the farm, heard from the farmers and winemaker, and ate.

the food was delicious. among other things, there was a cold goat cheese tart with blueberry salsa, shrimp in tomato consommé, roast beef, and a creme caramel cake with strawberry-rhubarb compote. (i don’t know why i didn’t take more pictures of the food, except that i was too busy eating it.)

i suspect everyone there was amazing, but we had really fabulous luck in table companions, and we had lots of time to talk to them between courses.

there was something so wonderful about eating good food at long tables outdoors under the sun and moon, with other people who love food, in a very leisurely manner.

i want to go again next year. also the next year. and the next. really, it needs to become an annual tradition.

i have to tell you a story, though. i live in hillsboro, which is about 3.5 hours away from bend. i was at my favorite pet store one day with atlas, talking to the girl who was working, when a couple came in to ask about the orenco station farmers’ market; they were thinking of becoming a vendor. we wound up chatting with them for quite a while. we all introduced ourselves and they said that they were jerre and sean and they owned the dancing cow farm in central oregon. a week or two later, i got an email from farm to fork with updated information about our event. it announced that the protein for the event would be beef from the dancing cow farm. i almost jumped in the air because i was so excited at my luck in meeting the people who were providing the meat for our event! isn’t that fun?! it made the world seem so small and friendly.

it’s hard not to like a grocery store that makes me pull out my camera. is this not gorgeous?!

this is the newport avenue market in bend. if you are in bend, you should stop there. their sushi selection was amazing. also, the sushi chef was the most enthusiastic person ever. i wanted to buy some sushi just to support what was clearly his passion and art.

the other reason i liked it? they had this brownie on a table right by the entrance. it was called the omg brownie. in my opinion, if you are going to name your brownie the omg brownie, it needs to inspire that reaction. guess what happened. when i saw it – before i saw the name – i let out an involuntary and audible omg, which is something i don’t often say.

i was going through my photo archives and it was so fun to reminisce. these photos made me laugh. they were taken the day i brought atlas home to live with me and be my forever puppy.

atlas is the dog with the red collar. you can only see his feet and part of his belly in the first two pictures. his mom, noel, is the dog that is asleep on the left. his brother, rowdy, is the dog in front of him – the one that is staring at me. his uncle, sutter, is on the right.

i walked into the bedroom and saw this scene and it looked like his family was surrounding him so i wouldn’t take him.

of course, then atlas and rowdy started rough-housing.

clearly their mother was used to their antics; she continued sleeping next to them. she was the sweetest dog ever. she’d often be lying on the couch, asleep, one or both of her giant pups piled on top of her.