i sat in the cool living room last night and shared a bag of popcorn with atlas. ten pieces for me; a piece for him. twelve pieces for me; two pieces for him. five pieces for me; a piece for him. twenty pieces for me; two pieces for him. (i think atlas would have preferred if the quantities were reversed.)

sharing popcorn leaves much time for thought.

“We like to pretend that our generous impulses come naturally. But the reality is we often become our kindest, most ethical selves only by seeing what it feels like to be a selfish jackass first. It’s the reason .. our most meaningful relationships are so often those that continued beyond the very juncture at which they came the closest to ending.”

– from Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

the thing that i find myself thinking a lot lately – and it came to me again while nibbling popcorn – is that atlas has seen the very best of me. i have been the best version of myself with him. i have been sweet and loving and kind and patient and gentle to a degree that i wouldn’t have believed possible.

atlas has also seen the very worst of me. i have been the worst version of myself with him. i do not like to remember those moments, though as i grow older and wiser and kinder, it is easier to forgive myself for them. it seems very true that in every moment, we really are doing the best we can.

there have also been many many moments in between those two extremes.

for his part, i think it’s safe to say that atlas has been all versions of himself. (i would say that he’s been good and bad and everything in between, except i don’t really think dogs are good or bad; they just are.)

from the second i looked into atlas’ big eyes through the screen door, i wouldn’t have traded him for anything. after all these years of loving and learning together, that love feels like a teaspoon in the ocean of today’s love.

no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in the future, atlas is indeed one of the great loves of my life. the best and truest prayer i can offer on his behalf is “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Dario understands when I say that Buttermilk is the great love of my life. I know Buttermilk better than I have known any human, and he surely knows me better than anyone.”

– from All That is Bitter & Sweet by Ashley Judd

i don’t really have a point, except to say that when i look at atlas, it is easy to see that love is messy and beautiful.

if atlas is with me and i have to run inside a building that doesn’t allow dogs, i tie him up outside. when i come back, he tries really hard to get inside the building. i imagine that he wants to see where i went without him. (he is always trying to sneak inside my apartment’s leasing office before the door closes behind me.)

when we went hiking the other day, i tied atlas up outside the restrooms while i went inside. when i came back, no one was around, so i just unhooked the leash from his collar while i untied and untangled it instead of holding onto him with one hand, which is what i usually do.

when i looked up from the leash a second later, there was atlas, trotting happily past the men’s restroom and right into the women’s. he looked as pleased as punch.

oh, did i laugh. it’s a good thing no one was around. i imagine that would have been quite a shock.

atlas and i hiked to angel’s rest yesterday while my carpets were being cleaned. i like the hike – it’s not too far from portland, it’s in the gorge, a portion of it is shaded, and it’s less than 5 miles (the last two being important for a summer hike with a dog, i must say) – but i hadn’t done it in years.

i will confess that it was not as much fun as it could have been. this was purely my fault. i remembered the hike as being less rocky than it was, so i wore my five-fingered shoes, which have very little protection. i said “ow! ow! ow!!!” a lot.

can you tell what atlas thought about the hike? i will say that he did not like my ow-ing. (on the way down, i was idly wondering if that was how the trail felt on his feet, only i think his foot pads are much tougher, and possibly more cushioned, than my human feet.)

i was going through my photo archives and it was so fun to reminisce. these photos made me laugh. they were taken the day i brought atlas home to live with me and be my forever puppy.

atlas is the dog with the red collar. you can only see his feet and part of his belly in the first two pictures. his mom, noel, is the dog that is asleep on the left. his brother, rowdy, is the dog in front of him – the one that is staring at me. his uncle, sutter, is on the right.

i walked into the bedroom and saw this scene and it looked like his family was surrounding him so i wouldn’t take him.

of course, then atlas and rowdy started rough-housing.

clearly their mother was used to their antics; she continued sleeping next to them. she was the sweetest dog ever. she’d often be lying on the couch, asleep, one or both of her giant pups piled on top of her.

whenever i see atlas happily wriggling around on his back in the grass, i kind of want to try it myself. he makes it look so delightful.

if you’ve tried it, please do tell me whether i’m missing out. i am so curious.

this is atlas when he wants me to do something.

the trouble is that this is also atlas when he wants me to do something and i don’t know what it is.

if he could speak, i feel like he would say, “look at me, being such a patient dog. i just sit and wait and sit and wait. i don’t know why it’s taking you so long. i really could not have expressed myself any more clearly.”

“fort july day is a day to play on the trails and visit the stone fort, right?” says atlas.

“why yes, atlas. it is indeed.” says elizabeth.

oh, to be young again, and borrow a hammer and nails and a very floppy saw and set off into the woods to build a fort. i miss that.

when atlas was one, we spent an april weekend at a cottage in northern california’s wine country. it was part of a very dog-friendly place called sheep dung estates.

we spent all day saturday hiking in the hills above the cottage so, after dinner, i decided to rest my legs and just walk atlas down to the pond for his evening walk.

there was a couple at the pond, throwing a ball into the water for their black lab. the lab would race down the dock, dive into the pond, retrieve the ball, swim to shore, bring the ball to his people, and then excitedly wait for the next round.

atlas watched this for a while. all of a sudden, he ran down the dock and jumped into the water himself.

no one was more astonished than me.

except atlas.

he came up out of the water sputtering and splashing. his eyes were as wide as saucers. you could tell that whatever he expected, it was very much not. that.

his front legs were as stiff as boards and he slapped them in turn on the water, over and over.

he sputtered and splashed and slapped his legs on the water in a wide-eyed panic until he finally grew closer to shore and was able to get his legs on the ground. at that point, he ran out of the water and shook himself off.

atlas has never really gone in the water since that day. he always stops and turns around once the water gets to his knees. if he ever goes in any further than that, it is a rare occurrence and takes a great deal of time and coaxing.

i remember him watching another dog jumping into a pond after a ball years later. the expression on his face said very clearly, “what a silly dog! why on earth would he go to all that trouble for a ball? you’d never catch me doing that. if people want to throw a ball in the water, they can just fetch it themselves.”

i just got home from a hike in forest park. atlas got his exercise and we were done before the day got too warm. (i think it’s supposed to be 80 today.)

i am not sure atlas would agree with the “before the day got too warm” part. by the end of the hike, his tongue was long and droopy and he kept trying to drink from muddy puddles. to be fair, he likes to drink from muddy puddles no matter the temperature, but when it’s warmer, he’s more insistent.

now, atlas is napping in his crate and i am eating honey roasted peanuts and dried mango. it is a good day.

how is your wednesday treating you?

check this out!

i’ve done something like this to photos in the past using photoshop, and my broken camera did this all on its own. it’s not consistent – mostly the photos just turn out white – but it gave me a few cute photos of atlas when i was playing with it so i am a very happy camper.

speaking of atlas, i want to remember to tell you the story of atlas and the pond. next week, i think. i took him for an adjustment on tuesday and while we were waiting for the vet to come in, i told him a story; this was the story i picked. it reminded me that i should tell you. you might enjoy the story more than atlas does, because it is the reason he doesn’t like water.

atlas met a kitty this past weekend! we went for a walk on a nearby trail that we hadn’t visited in a while. as we walked down the path, we ran into a white cat sitting by the side of the path. naturally, atlas stopped and gazed happily at his potential new friend. after a few minutes of this, i happened to glance behind me, only to see a black and white cat standing right behind us! it stood there for a while and then turned around and went into the trees and came out by the white cat. it then walked right up to atlas and me, sniffed atlas’ feet, and eventually wandered off down the path in front of us. atlas abandoned the potential friend in favor of a confirmed friend and we followed it down the path until it veered off into the bushes on an adventure. (well, that was my doing. atlas wanted to follow it into the bushes.)