i sat in the cool living room last night and shared a bag of popcorn with atlas. ten pieces for me; a piece for him. twelve pieces for me; two pieces for him. five pieces for me; a piece for him. twenty pieces for me; two pieces for him. (i think atlas would have preferred if the quantities were reversed.)

sharing popcorn leaves much time for thought.

“We like to pretend that our generous impulses come naturally. But the reality is we often become our kindest, most ethical selves only by seeing what it feels like to be a selfish jackass first. It’s the reason .. our most meaningful relationships are so often those that continued beyond the very juncture at which they came the closest to ending.”

– from Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

the thing that i find myself thinking a lot lately – and it came to me again while nibbling popcorn – is that atlas has seen the very best of me. i have been the best version of myself with him. i have been sweet and loving and kind and patient and gentle to a degree that i wouldn’t have believed possible.

atlas has also seen the very worst of me. i have been the worst version of myself with him. i do not like to remember those moments, though as i grow older and wiser and kinder, it is easier to forgive myself for them. it seems very true that in every moment, we really are doing the best we can.

there have also been many many moments in between those two extremes.

for his part, i think it’s safe to say that atlas has been all versions of himself. (i would say that he’s been good and bad and everything in between, except i don’t really think dogs are good or bad; they just are.)

from the second i looked into atlas’ big eyes through the screen door, i wouldn’t have traded him for anything. after all these years of loving and learning together, that love feels like a teaspoon in the ocean of today’s love.

no matter what happens or doesn’t happen in the future, atlas is indeed one of the great loves of my life. the best and truest prayer i can offer on his behalf is “thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Dario understands when I say that Buttermilk is the great love of my life. I know Buttermilk better than I have known any human, and he surely knows me better than anyone.”

– from All That is Bitter & Sweet by Ashley Judd

i don’t really have a point, except to say that when i look at atlas, it is easy to see that love is messy and beautiful.