if you were there with us, the next thing you'd see would be atlas wandering off.

"oh. wait. it's misty. she doesn't like me. we can go now."

p.s. there's still time to enter the giveaway!

this month, i am thinking and journaling and practicing shiva nata with the intention of working on my relationship with beauty, especially beauty as it relates specifically to me. i wasn't planning on talking about it because beauty seems like one of the scariest things that i could possibly pick to work on. and yet, my sense is now that beauty as it relates to self is the next thing i need to talk about. funny how that works.

on that note, i thought i'd share some of the things that have come up for me thus far.

what do i know about beauty?

i do not like it. it is very uncomfortable, even as a thought. beauty is for other people, not for me. or for nature. or for atlas. i am definitely not beautiful. it does seem somewhat puzzling that i both want to be beautiful and very much do not want to be beautiful. beauty = visibility, and i definitely don't want to be visible.

oh. i do not actually want to be beautiful at all. i do not want to be beautiful. i want to feel beautiful. when i don't feel beautiful, i think that i need to be beautiful, and that seems impossible. partly because my truth – when it is not covered up by other people's truths and monsters and stories and such – is that beauty comes from the soul.

i think this is why the be-ing seems impossible. because even if i don't remember that beauty comes from the soul and thus is always present, i do remember that there is nothing i can do to become beautiful. the trouble is that i think it's because there is no hope, not because i remember that beauty just is.

where is beauty?

everywhere. in everything and in everyone. you will never be able to really truly see and appreciate the beauty in everyone until you can find it in yourself.

part of living with honesty and integrity is accepting the light as well as the dark, even though accepting the dark is much easier. you can do it slowly, with kindness and gentleness, but you are ready to begin.

(apparently atlas is getting ready to help.)

doesn't it feel like it's time for a giveaway? i can't remember when i did my last one, and it occurred to me that i am horribly negligent at celebrating any of my blogging milestones (for example: my blog turned one last july, my blog turned two this july, i wrote my 500th blog post over 100 blog posts ago, et cetera).

yes. it's definitely time for a giveaway.

if you want to enter, leave me a comment. i'll draw two or three names on friday evening and send each of the winners a set of postcards. i am so fond of postcards. they are such a lovely – and easy – way to let someone know you're thinking about them.

(i could use some new quotes so, if you want to share a favorite quote in your comment, i would very much enjoy reading it.)

friday edit: the random number generator picked michelle and kim. thanks, everyone, for playing! and just fyi, it's kim's birthday today, so do pop over and wish her a happy birthday!

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}.

the bouquet from a friend's wedding – a picture perfect reminder of trust.

thought the first: are these not fantastic?! when i was in p-town, i found a shop with things that spun and danced and twirled. some of them were hanging outside where the wind could catch them. i was happier than happy and took photo after photo. they are some of my favorite images from my trip, never mind that you cannot tell where i took them.

thought the second: it turns out that the september collection is actually the september/october collection, so the prints will be available for another month. when i thought about finding a new set of images for october, it felt too rushed. i’ll introduce the new collection in november (think mystery and magic) and it will be available for two months as well.

thought the third: you can now purchase digital images from retinal perspectives! this is a giant experiment and i am very curious to see what happens. my vision is that people will take my images and make them their own, that they will each use the images in their own way, and i can feel so much magic and possibility and creativity in this.

thought the fourth: here’s a funny story for you. (apologies if i’ve already shared this.) i do not love the taste of coffee, but i love cafe culture. this means that i spend lots of time trying to order a coffee drink that does not taste like coffee. usually, i order a medium or large drink with whole milk and a single shot of decaf because it has the least coffee taste possible. one day, i even explained to the barista that if i didn’t feel like i would be banned from the cafe or laughed at, what i’d really want to do is order a mocha (or similar) with no espresso at all. eventually, i had an epiphany. there is such a thing as a mocha with no espresso; it’s called hot chocolate! i feel like i might be the only person in the world who took years to figure that one out.

whenever i come across this series of photos in my photo library, i like to flip through them quickly. it makes me laugh. it also makes me wonder how on earth i ever get a good photo of the pup. whenever i want to take a picture, he will not stay still. if his body actually stays in one place, his head moves a mile a minute instead.

do you know what atlas thinks is one of the strangest things ever? people actually throw bread to ducks when he is nearby and they could be giving it to him. who on earth would want to feed a duck when they could feed him, he would say.

after confusing my brain with shiva nata yesterday, i asked myself some questions. i often ask, “what am i wrong about?” (the answer is usually some variation of: “pretty much everything.”) this time, i asked myself, “what is true?” this was my answer.

you matter.

you are worthy.

the way to peace is through peace.

love is the answer.

it's the last week of 30 days of (something)! my, how this month has flown by.

i am so very glad i started this writing practice. i find it immensely helpful to type the gunk out of my head in the morning. it seems to leave my mind more clear as i start the day. additionally, writing every morning means that i am more likely to jot down bits of my dreams, which i like to analyze every so often. (i'd do it more often if it weren't so time-consuming.)

a funny side story .. apparently part of me is rather excited about the idea of signing up for nanowrimo because i had at least five ideas for novels last week. one of the ideas was a gift from a dream. in my dream, i was reading a story, and i skipped to the end because i had to find out what happened. (i do this in real life all the time, both for books and movies. it made me laugh when i did it in my dream too.) after i read the ending, i said, "hey! i should write this story down for nanowrimo!" and then i woke up.

i am still going in and out of flow, and i am becoming more and more convinced that it truly is my word for 2012. it reminds me of how i found this year's word. i focused on trust for a week, and then for a month. sometime during that month, i realized that what it really needed was an entire year.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}.

i often say that atlas has been my greatest teacher, so i wondered what he might have to say about trust.

here 'tis.

"trust yourself. if you want something, you want it. if you need something, you need it. if you feel something, you feel it. i wish you wouldn't spend so much time questioning and judging and doubting yourself. if you just listened to me, there would be more time for walks. and unless it's pouring or hailing or there is a cat in the house (hint), it is always a good time for a walk."

by the way, if you'd like to receive wisdom from atlas in your mailbox, there's still a bit of time to sign up for his postcards.

do you know that as of today, atlas has been with me for eight years? eight years! i cannot believe it.

in some ways, it feels like he's always been here. in other ways, it feels like i've hardly had any time with him and need at least eight more years. (at least.)

i was thinking about atlas and nature the other day and i realized that they elicit similar feelings in me.

there are moments when i look at atlas and i feel so much love and gratitude and joy that i can hardly stand it. my entire body wells up with feeling. he is full of sweetness and love and joy and a zest for life and he has been one of my greatest teachers. i cannot believe how lucky i am to have him in my life.

there are moments when i am in nature (particularly in the forest or by the ocean or when i see a bluebird) and i am so overcome by love and joy and beauty and wonder that i can hardly stand it. my entire body wells up with feeling. the best way i can describe it is to say that it feels like my soul is singing. i cannot believe how beautiful the world is and how lucky i am to be living in it.

so today, i will take atlas for a run on our favorite trail in the woods, and i will offer up a prayer of thanks for this moment, this puppy, this life. i wouldn't trade him (or it) for anything.