i was walking with the pup this morning when my foot slipped on the ice. down i fell, plop, splat, thud, onto my back on the snow-and-ice-covered road.

as i picked myself up and brushed myself off, there was a brief instant when i was no longer the me who identifies with her physical body. instead, i was the me who encompasses that me. i watched my body brush itself off, and i felt this incredible wave of love rush through me.

the thought that ran through my mind was this: why should my stumbles be any less worthy of love?

i thought of my little nephew learning to walk and how very much i love him. not because he stumbles. not in spite of his stumbles. i love him because he’s lars and he wouldn’t be the same without all of his moments.

i thought of atlas and how i don’t tell him that he’s a bad dog. i say, “i am furious at you.” i say, “i don’t like what you’re doing.” i say, “i don’t like you very much right now.” but i tell him, and i hope he knows, that i also love him. not because of those moments. not in spite of those moments. i love him – more than the sun and the moon and all the fish in the sea – because he’s atlas and he is who he is because of all of his moments.

i’ve been practicing self-love for years now.

sometimes i wonder how i got here, and whether i have learned something that can be of service to others, because the place i came from was so full of loathing and the place i am in is so full of love.

but i don’t know how i got here. i can’t pinpoint one practice or one book or one insight.

all i can see is that it was a collection of moments.

moments when i behaved with love and kindness: toward myself, toward another; moments when i didn’t.

moments when i liked the reasons i behaved with love and kindness; moments when i didn’t.

moments when i could forgive myself for the reasons i didn’t behave with love and kindness; moments when i couldn’t.

moments when i made different (more aligned) choices; moments when i didn’t.

after each moment, whether i realized it or not, i picked myself up, dusted myself off, and moved into the next moment.

i did that today.

i’ll do it again tomorrow.

and i do know that i wouldn’t be the same me without every single one of my moments.

{This post is part of the Unencumbered Sharing Circle, a gathering of honest first-hand stories about self-loathing, self-love, and the journey between the two. Read more stories, and share your own, right here.}

For one thing, it hasn’t happened yet.

For another, it doesn’t involve travel.

But it is the story of a fearful adventure.

One of the many ideas that takes up space in my head is a photo series. The working title is “Dear Atlas, I’m sorry I loved William Wegman”. My vision involves a series of photos of people and weimaraners in which the people are beautifully and creatively costumed and the weimaraners are beautifully and simply themselves.

If you’ve been around for a while, you probably know that the idea was inspired by my love for William Wegman’s photos as well as by my dear Atlas and his extreme distaste for anything resembling a costume, like hats or antlers or twinkly lights.

My vision is clear. I know just the right photographer to bring the idea to life. My sense is that the idea itself is fun and creative and clever and has a great deal of potential.

And yet I have not done anything with the idea at all.

I tell myself that I’m not doing anything with it because the time isn’t right, because I have more important things to work on, because I’m not inspired.

In truth, it has nothing to do with any of that.

The real reason I am not working on the idea is fear: I am afraid to be the person I would have to become in order to execute it.

I like ideas that involve just me. This idea does not. I would want to find other people with weimaraners to participate. I would need to crowd-source the money. I would want to ask William Wegman for ideas.

I like ideas that are small and manageable. This idea is not. It involves other people and clever stubborn energetic weimaraners. I don’t know what the end result of my vision should be (a book? prints?) which is something I would need to know in order to decide on funding reward options.

I like being the one behind the camera, not the one in front of it, and I am not particularly fond of costumes.

In order to execute my idea, I would need to grow, to become bigger and better. I would need to become more visible. These are not bad things. But just because something is good for you doesn’t mean it’s not scary.

I am sharing this story of my as-yet-not-taken fearful adventure in order to hold myself accountable.

The idea is in honor of my beloved weimaraner Atlas. He is not getting any younger. I want to take action on it now, even if my actions are small and even if the idea grows and changes along the way.

I also know what can be gained by acting on things that both inspire and scare me. I left a great job to be an artist even though I was absolutely terrified; I still feel a little bit of fear every single day but my world is so much richer because of it. I hiked the Inca trail to Machu Picchu instead of taking the train even though I was absolutely terrified I was going to die of altitude sickness; when I reached Dead Woman’s Pass on the second day, I felt exhilarated, and I knew that I would doubt myself and my capabilities a little less in the future because of it.

Even though I am still afraid, I am ready for this idea to change my world too.

This post is part of the My Fearful Adventure series, which is celebrating the launch of Torre DeRoche’s debut book Love with a Chance of Drowning, a true adventure story about one girl’s leap into the deep end of her fears.

“Wow, what a book. Exciting. Dramatic. Honest. Torre DeRoche is an author to follow.” Australian Associated Press

“… a story about conquering the fears that keep you from living your dreams.” Nomadicmatt.com

“In her debut, DeRoche has penned such a beautiful, thrilling story you’ll have to remind yourself it’s not fiction.” Courier Mail

Find out more…

tracy at prana light writes a series titled “being here now”. it’s in list format and it provides such a beautiful glimpse into her daily life. when i read the last one: “being here now: days of abundance”, i was inspired to fill out the list for myself.

taste — my latest dinner addiction: a rich meat sauce on roasted spaghetti squash; ginger molasses cookies; steel-cut oatmeal with bananas & brown sugar & butter

scent — eucalyptus + vinegar (my homemade bathroom cleaner); lemon + vinegar (my homemade kitchen cleaner); wet dog

sound — “set fire to the rain” by adele

touch — soft fleece blankets

sight — my latest series addiction: leverage (which i stumbled upon at the library and grabbed, thinking it looked like a decent movie, only to find that it was actually a series and i liked it so much that i watched all four dvds in a row and ordered season two)

delight — the anticipation of a proposal from a web designer for a beautiful new home for retinal perspectives

intuition — my focus now needs to be on wholeness

comfort — sleeping later in the mornings; heading outside when the sun appears; working during the cold and dark evenings

making — homemade granola to bring to my sister’s

doing — looking for the perfect images for the november/december collection

dreaming — about the day when my business sustains me

reading — addiction to perfection (marion woodman), clash of kings (george r r martin), the untethered soul (michael singer), what i talk about when i talk about running (haruki murakami), and sailing home (norman fischer)

gratitude — for this moment, right here, right now

happiness — surrounds me, inside and out

love — this month, this season, so very much

i’d love to hear what’s in your now.

p.s. in case you missed monday’s post, there’s a celebration going on through saturday!

it's the last week of 30 days of (something)! my, how this month has flown by.

i am so very glad i started this writing practice. i find it immensely helpful to type the gunk out of my head in the morning. it seems to leave my mind more clear as i start the day. additionally, writing every morning means that i am more likely to jot down bits of my dreams, which i like to analyze every so often. (i'd do it more often if it weren't so time-consuming.)

a funny side story .. apparently part of me is rather excited about the idea of signing up for nanowrimo because i had at least five ideas for novels last week. one of the ideas was a gift from a dream. in my dream, i was reading a story, and i skipped to the end because i had to find out what happened. (i do this in real life all the time, both for books and movies. it made me laugh when i did it in my dream too.) after i read the ending, i said, "hey! i should write this story down for nanowrimo!" and then i woke up.

i am still going in and out of flow, and i am becoming more and more convinced that it truly is my word for 2012. it reminds me of how i found this year's word. i focused on trust for a week, and then for a month. sometime during that month, i realized that what it really needed was an entire year.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

another week, another week of 30 days of (something).

i have to say, i am really enjoying this writing practice. (can i call it a writing practice if i'm typing?) in fact, i am enjoying it so much that i am even thinking about signing up for nanowrimo this november. i can't say i've ever wanted to write fiction. (well, except for the children's story i started years ago and still want to finish someday and my occasional dream of being a writer of fairy tales.) still, 50000 words is starting to seem doable. and, you know, why not.

i am feeling very resistant to checking in about flow. this makes sense to me because we seem to be on a break. (in case you don't know what i mean by flow, i generally mean that i am following my inspiration through the day. at least that's how i feel when i am in flow.) i spent most of my time noticing that i was not in flow and then refusing to do anything that might have been helpful. instead, i may or may not have watched a lot of bad hulu (bad tv, only on hulu).

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

it's monday! and so, i am continuing on with the 30 days of (something).

my morning pages are still going well. most days, i seem to write between four and seven pages, and my mind feels much less cluttered. i think that the clearing is helping new ideas and epiphanies flow in, and also releasing some of my anxiety.

this past week, i spent a lot of time noticing that i was not in flow. but i also spent some time in flow, especially as it related to my business.

for example, remember the postcards from heaven? i enjoyed that offering, as did the participants, but after the third session, i set it aside for a while.

well, i was inspired last week and the postcards are back. but this time, you'll be getting postcards from atlas! if you're interested, the session starts in october.

in another example, i added a {happy surprises} postcard set to the shop. i have a stack of brand new postcards to choose from and am so excited to send them out. a number of the images are extra-special; i have never shared them on my blog. (so many photos, so little time.)

plus, i made progress on a new project and worked through some fears and blocks.

i am definitely liking this focus on flow. i enjoy feeling like i've made progress.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

(and just for fun – because i do so love mondays – use the coupon code ilovemonday at checkout for free shipping on anything in my etsy shop today.)

it's the 30 days of (something)! oh, yay. i'm so glad for your company in this. you all are inspiring me.

i have to say, my morning pages are going well. i am not exactly rolling out of bed and writing, but i have written (i mean typed) every morning. there really is something about clearing the mind in the morning that lets more good stuff in. the thing i have noticed, however, is that i need to write more than three pages in order for my more unconscious thoughts to start bubbling up. around page four or so, if i write that much, something comes out that i didn't expect.

by the way, for those of you who are also doing morning pages, jamie ridler is hosting a regular check-in this month for people doing morning pages. serendipitous timing, i say!

i did finally decide on my intention (or theme) for the month. it's flow. i spent some time with flow earlier this year, but clearly it needs more time and focus. (actually, the sense i am getting right now is that flow needs to be my word for 2012.) right now, i am just trying to notice when i am not in it. this seems to be often.

if you are joining in and want to check in on this post, i would love love love to hear from you. regardless, know that i am happy that we're all in this together, and am cheering you on.

my 30 days of (shiva nata) practice back in june was made even better because of everyone who joined in with their own particular practice. since september has 30 days, i’ve decided to do another 30 day practice. you are all invited to join me.

this time, i want to do morning pages. if you’ve read the artist’s way, by julia cameron, you’re probably familiar with the idea. in case you’re not – it’s three pages of writing, every morning, anything that comes to your mind. i am forgoing the written word, however, in order to use 750words.com. i am much more likely to type than i am to write. plus, i am a speedy typer.

in june, i also set an intention (or theme) for the month: permission. i think i want to set an intention for september as well, but i just cannot decide on one. the current top contenders are permission (yes, again), pleasure, flow, and joy. good thing i still have some time.

anyway, that’s the plan – 30 days of morning pages, starting september 1.

if you want to join me, i would love to have the company. maybe you have something you want to focus on for 30 days and could use the support? maybe it’s a practice? maybe it’s a theme? maybe it’s something you want to eliminate from your life? the options are endless.

i’ll plan to check in on mondays again in case you decide to join me and want to share how it’s going.

here’s to the joy of practice!