i think portland is having the most magnificent display of autumn colors since i moved here in 2006. i almost cannot stand the gloriousness of it. seriously. there has been a great deal of squealing and clapping with glee. (i often think that i should not be allowed to drive in the fall. i am horribly distracted.)

apparently atlas spent this visit to the doggy ranch trying valiantly to catch bella, a little weimaraner who can outrun every dog there. he never caught her, but he certainly gave it his all, as evidenced by his trimmer waist and more visibly muscular torso.

the tiny leaves in the last photo looked like stars on the sidewalk.

since now is the time of year when so many of us need to pause (to rest and recharge and renew) more than ever, and it is also the time of year when it is the hardest to find the time and/or money to do so, i am offering a special on that service for the remainder of the year. if it speaks to you and the time is right, do sign up. there are a couple of spots available in november and a few more available in december.

i usually drink a great many eggnog lattes this time of year but i don't love coffee. yesterday, i had a brilliant plan. i always have a box of chai tea latte on hand and you add milk to it, so i bought eggnog and i am going to make eggnog chai lattes! i am anticipating the goodness of the eggnog without the coffee taste. fingers crossed that it actually is tasty.

do you want a good salad idea? roast cauliflower with olive oil, sea salt, and curry powder. toss salad greens, thinly sliced pear, red onion, and walnuts into a bowl, then add the roasted cauliflower (warm or cold, both are good). for a dressing, i like to drizzle it with olive oil and add a pinch of sea salt. it is delicious – and perfect for this season.

speaking of cauliflower, in my personal experience, one head of cauliflower equals one serving of cauliflower, especially if it's roasted. i always wonder what people do who are cooking for more than one person.

i'd love to hear what's going on in your world today.

this is not the weimaraner post i was going to write today. i am sitting at the airport – missing a friend and feeling raw and sleepy – so instead you get me, showing up, just as i am in this moment.

i am on my way home from an intuitive painting retreat with chris zydel, something i have wanted to do for a couple of years now. i don't really know what i expected but it was intense and supportive and healing and, i suspect, transformative, in ways that i cannot see just yet.

a couple of weeks ago, i realized that i don't have trouble with the hard and the dark – it feels comfortable and familiar – but i have a great deal of trouble with the light and the bright and the good. not yours – i can see that and celebrate it – but mine.

at the same time, i am getting a sense of where i am heading. not in this moment, maybe not for years, but it feels big. it feels big enough that it scares me. my sense is also that in order to get there, i am going to have to dance with the light.

while working on one particular painting, the idea that had the most energy in one moment was to add glitter. i thought i would just be adding glitter to one small section but it turned out that i had to cover the entire painting with glitter. as i painted on the glitter, i could not stop crying. i kept hearing voices saying that it was too colorful, too sparkly, too much, that no one would like it.

when the painting was completely covered in glitter, the idea that had the most energy was to add large sparkles on top of the glitter. as i painted on the sparkles, i cried even harder. i thought the emotion behind the tears might be fear but when i felt into it, i felt this huge sense of loss. it felt like i had lost something infinitely precious and i didn't know how to get it back. the loss felt very old and very deep.

so that's where i am in this moment. i am reconnecting with the parts of me that knew how to be big and bold and expressive. the parts of me that thought it was natural to be rich and vibrant and colorful. the parts of me that lived and loved with playful abandon. the parts of me that believed i was sparkling and luminescent and powerful.

it feels raw and messy and painful. it also feels very real. and somehow, i feel hopeful.

i feel very vulnerable sharing this, but i offer it up, knowing that i am not the only one who struggles with recognizing and owning and expressing the bright and the light and the good. may we all move closer toward seeing our own beauty and radiance.

p.s. intuitive painting is about the process, not the painting, so no comments on the paintings-in-progress, please. though in truth, two of the photos are of my paint palette.

once, i was a child, with a child’s playful spirit.

then, i thought i had to grow up and leave childhood behind, and so i forced myself to do so.

now, i am learning to play again, though it seems that part of me never forgot – she is the one who tells stories and builds summer houses for the faeries and goes on adventures to the mailbox and sings silly songs and plays (always, it is play) with her camera.

she is so very wise. i recognize that now.

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}.

this image reminds me of trust for a few reasons, one of which is that in order to take the photo, i had to trust that i had enough balance to dangle over a ledge while holding my camera below me while trying to take a photo and not drop my camera and not let the strap fall into the water.

i managed. barely.

because i am drawn to the chaos in these photos.

patterns! and color! wheeeeeeeee!

also, fall is clearly the best time of year to visit the waterfalls in the columbia river gorge.

i feel like i had a funny atlas story i was going to tell you, only in this moment, i cannot for the life of me remember it. oh well. instead, i thought i'd share another atlas song, sung to the tune of "oh my darling clementine".

oh, my darling. oh, my darling. oh, my darling atlas pup.

you're so sweet, and how i love you. love you so much, atlas pup.

brown he was and very furry and his tail was very small.

smelly feet and a wet no-ose, ears like velvet, yes there was.

oh, my darling. oh, my darling. oh, my darling atlas pup.

you're so sweet, and how i love you. love you so much, atlas pup.

“walking softly like a spider in the early morning”

– Brian Andreas :: StoryPeople

as you might know, i love stories.

i stumbled across a book titled “bedtime stories” while waiting for my sandwich at new seasons and was looking through the stories.

in a story titled “troll bridge” by neil gaiman, i read this:

‘Trolls can smell the rainbows, trolls can smell the stars,’ it whispered sadly. ‘Trolls can smell the dreams you dreamed before you were ever born. Come close to me and I’ll eat your life.’

i bought the book for that bit alone. i had to stop reading so i could put my hand on my heart and breathe in the goodness.

so far, i love the few stories i’ve read, including that one, but i keep going back to those words. over and over and over.

as a side note, i have decided that i really want to illustrate a story (or stories) someday. photographically and artistically, of course; clearly i am not an actual illustrator. with the right person and the right story – oh my goodness, the fun.

{my attempt to capture 52 photos that represent trust – my word for 2011}.

can you see the teeny-tiny raindrop?

there are oh-so-many things that i get excited about. i was thinking about one of them – beauty, something i want to talk more about – but then i got distracted by some of the other things.

like diet coke.

i mostly don't drink diet coke. i had to give it up when i decided to cut out artificial sweeteners. (that was a sad, sad day.) every once in a while, i treat myself to a can of it but unfortunately, now that i don't drink it, it's hard to drink it at all because the caffeine in it bothers me.

anyway, i was thinking about how much i love the treat of a can of (flat, cold) diet coke (with lime) and it made me think about the times you're in a restaurant and ask for a diet coke and they say, "is diet pepsi ok?" my response is a very sad face and a politely horrified "no, i'll just have water". what i am really thinking is, "of course it's not ok! they taste nothing alike! why would you ask such a foolish question?!"

speaking of diet coke, am i the only one who likes my diet coke flat and cold? i like to open the can and then leave it in the refrigerator and drink it hours later or even the next day, when the bubbles are all gone. it's the best way to drink it.

or pickles.

i love dill pickles. not sweet pickles. sweet pickles could be banned from the world and i would not be sorry. there is nothing that aggravates me more than when i see pickles and get excited and pile them on my sandwich or burger and then take a bite and they are sweet pickles and it is horrible.

dill pickles are excellent with peanut butter. really, peanut butter goes with everything, but it is especially good with dill pickles. if you are looking for a breakfast idea, might i suggest a piece of toast with peanut butter and dill pickle slices? you will thank me; i am sure of it.

i would also like to note that sandwich makers never put enough pickles on their sandwiches. pickles need to be piled on, like a little mountain. clearly i should run a sandwich shop. i could call it "the picklewich" and people like me would finally get enough pickles on their sandwiches.

(and no, this picture is totally not related. though now that i look at it after having written my post, i suppose it could resemble the bubbles in a diet coke or the green of a good dill pickle. clearly i am a genius picture picker.)

now i'm curious, what do you get excited about?