{a photo project honoring radiance, one of my words for 2012 :: 52 photos that represent radiance, 52 photos that represent luminosity.}

i keep trying to write a post about the darker side of radiance – the things that have come up for attention since i invoked the power of radiance – but it. is. just. not. flowing. it feels sluggish and heavy and dark.

sluggish and heavy and dark is rather how it feels to work on all of this at times, but the thing that saves me is my sense of humor and my fascination with how my mind works, so the energy of this particular post is all wrong and i cannot publish it.

instead, here is a quick list of things i have learned this month. as i write each one down, i am sending the underlying pattern love and giving it permission to exist. and i am also giving myself permission to be glad that most of them are on their way out.

• it doesn't really matter what nice things people say about you, unless you believe them yourself.
• voices that are older and more familiar, even if they are mean and hurtful, are easier to believe.
• even if i believe i am worthy now, old patterns that are based on the (now faulty) premise that i am unworthy need to come up for attention so i can look at them with fresh eyes.
• i am very good at projecting my own beliefs about myself onto the people in my relationships, which is why i am always waiting for the moment when they leave.
• of course it is hard for me to be vulnerable and to tell people how wonderful i think they are and how much i care about them if i am waiting for them to leave.
• my identity for 30 plus years has been based on the belief that i am unworthy. by invoking radiance, i am asking for my entire identity to shift. i sort of missed this part.
• practicing vulnerability in relationships is hard and important and very worth it.
• goodness, or the anticipation of goodness, can be scary too.

om shanti shanti shanti.