i got an astrology reading from chris zydel a year or so ago. brilliant, by the way. one of the things that came up was that i needed to be taking a lot more risks.

truth be told, i had a hard time thinking of things that i could do. there are not really a lot of things that scare me. the idea of doing them might freak me out a little but i would still do them if i felt the urge. if i’m not doing them, it doesn’t really have anything to do with fear.

except i was avoiding the one thing that does scare me. it turns out that the thing that scares me is relationships and vulnerability and using my words.

it makes sense. the thing i am afraid of most of all is rejection (possibly this is true for many of us). to me, any form of using my words in relationship has the potential to result in rejection, so i avoid it at all costs.

this morning, it occurred to me that, since i am practicing using my words, i could do so by sending an email to someone to request that i be taken off a distribution list. i am a fan of the group that sends them. i know how to reach them. i just don’t read the emails and like to keep my email at a manageable level. i have wanted to make this request for ages. what did i do instead? i created a rule that sent the emails directly into a folder so i wouldn’t see them. except i did see them – i don’t like when things remain unread so i would pop into the folder to mark them as read – and every time i did, it felt slightly dishonest and even unkind to be hiding them away instead of just making the request.

i sat down and wrote an email and sent it.

immediately afterward, i felt nauseous. my insides were churning.

when i felt into it, there was a sense of fear, of panic, of terror. i could see a little girl hiding in the corner and saying, “you can’t say things to people! you can’t just say things without knowing how they’ll react! it’s not safe! don’t say anything at all! ever!”

i sent her love and safety, but goodness, it does make sense that i don’t like to use my words in close relationships when this is my response to using them in the most distant of distant ones.

still, yay, me. i am practicing.

maybe you can relate and you want to practice with me?