a dear friend of mine moved to portland a while ago. i get to see her often, which is the loveliest thing ever. it reminds me of high school and college, when i would spend as much time as possible with my friends. of course, no matter how much time i spent with them, it was never enough.

one day, that changed, and i spent much more time on my own than i did with friends. i could blame the 8-11 hour work days, but that wasn’t entirely it.

the stories i told myself were that i was an introvert, that i liked spending time alone, that i liked spending lots of time alone, that i was fine with seeing my friends only occasionally, that i needed lots of alone time to replenish.

hahahahaha.

my pure unadulterated delight at spending all this time with my friend is making me rethink those stories. it turns out, none of them are entirely true.

the thing i realized is that i need to spend much more time connecting with people than i have ever allowed myself to admit. i need true, deep, rich connections.

it turns out that i have spent a lot of my adult life feeling lonely.

only i never realized it.

if i had realized it, i don’t know that i could have admitted it, even to myself.

it is hard for me to admit that i need other people. that need involves other people. i like things that i can accomplish on my own; they feel easier and safer.

things that involve other people make me feel vulnerable. vulnerability is scary. (scratch that. it’s bigger than scary. vulnerability is terrifying.)

the biggest reason i would never have admitted that i was lonely, even to myself, is that i was ashamed.

as if feeling (being) lonely was something to be ashamed of.

i don’t know why this is, but i suspect that it has something to do with low self-worth and the belief that loneliness is visible and self-perpetuating. as in, if i need connection, clearly i don’t deserve connection; if i deserved it, i would have it already and wouldn’t need it.

this reminds me of an episode of frasier. (i am slowly making my way through every single episode. i love that show.) in this particular episode, frasier was analyzing his relationship troubles with the help of the voices (in his head) of two ex-wives, an ex-girlfriend, and his mother. finally, he says something like, “you mean it comes down to fear of rejection?! you mean i’m alone because i’m afraid of being alone?!”

yes. something like that.

the thing i can see, in retrospect, is that if i had admitted to myself that i was lonely, maybe i would have been able to do something about it. maybe i would have made time with friends more of a priority. maybe i would have made finding kindred spirits more of a priority. maybe i would have felt the loneliness and learned that it wouldn’t devour me.

the thing i can also see, in retrospect, that if i had admitted to others that i was lonely, or that i needed/wanted connection, that it would have been a way of letting people in. letting people in is something i am not terribly good at doing. i am much better at keeping people out.

this feels like a very messy ending, but this is not the sort of thing that i can tie up with a nice neat bow.

this is a thing that is very hard for me. it is hard for me to admit. it is hard for me to work on.

it feels big and scary and messy – but it also feels important, and so i am practicing reaching out and being vulnerable.