this month, i am thinking and journaling and practicing shiva nata with the intention of working on my relationship with beauty, especially beauty as it relates specifically to me. i wasn't planning on talking about it because beauty seems like one of the scariest things that i could possibly pick to work on. and yet, my sense is now that beauty as it relates to self is the next thing i need to talk about. funny how that works.

on that note, i thought i'd share some of the things that have come up for me thus far.

what do i know about beauty?

i do not like it. it is very uncomfortable, even as a thought. beauty is for other people, not for me. or for nature. or for atlas. i am definitely not beautiful. it does seem somewhat puzzling that i both want to be beautiful and very much do not want to be beautiful. beauty = visibility, and i definitely don't want to be visible.

oh. i do not actually want to be beautiful at all. i do not want to be beautiful. i want to feel beautiful. when i don't feel beautiful, i think that i need to be beautiful, and that seems impossible. partly because my truth – when it is not covered up by other people's truths and monsters and stories and such – is that beauty comes from the soul.

i think this is why the be-ing seems impossible. because even if i don't remember that beauty comes from the soul and thus is always present, i do remember that there is nothing i can do to become beautiful. the trouble is that i think it's because there is no hope, not because i remember that beauty just is.

where is beauty?

everywhere. in everything and in everyone. you will never be able to really truly see and appreciate the beauty in everyone until you can find it in yourself.

part of living with honesty and integrity is accepting the light as well as the dark, even though accepting the dark is much easier. you can do it slowly, with kindness and gentleness, but you are ready to begin.