flexibility came up in a bodytalk session earlier this month. as i thought about flexibility, i suddenly knew why i have trouble with it.

when i think about flexibility, i think about changing directions. if i were to change directions, it feels like i would be saying (admitting) that what i was doing before didn't work.

it's hard for me to do that. (translation: mostly, i can't. yet.)

i have to be the right thing. i have to do the right thing. i have to be and do perfectly. if (or when) i don't, i run the risk of experiencing shame, guilt, judgment, the loss of love & approval. i can't think of anything worse.

of course, it's impossible to be and do everything (or anything) perfectly, but that doesn't really matter. i am still convinced it's necessary. i am still convinced that when i do experience shame (or guilt or judgment or the loss of love & approval), it wouldn't have happened if i were only perfect or could do things perfectly.

when i realized this, it struck me as interesting that i've been able to try so many things related to health & wellness, an area in which i am most certainly a tryer-of-things.

do you know why i can?

it's because i don't tell people. or i pass it off as a joke – something that i'm doing for fun, something that doesn't mean anything. or i quit easily and early – i don't see anything through. that way, no one will ever know that it mattered, and the only one who will know that i failed is me. (me knowing is bad enough, but it's still better than having other people know.)

this pattern is also why i wound up with – in one example – a degree in computer science. i realized after i started that it wasn't the right thing, but i didn't know what that right thing was so i couldn't do anything.

if i am going to change directions, i can only change to the most perfect thing. the thing that is so absolutely perfect in every way that no one will be able to see that i failed at the other thing because they will be blinded by the sheer perfection of the new thing. in other words, i can only change to a thing so perfect that it doesn't even exist.

goodness. it amazes me that i was able to quit my job at all. and it also explains why i like to say that "i quit my job to try out self-employment".

ah, perfectionism, you harsh mistress. i keep finding you buried deeper and deeper and deeper.