{atlas: march 15, 2003 – june 15, 2016}

last wednesday, i said goodbye to my atlas pup.

when we came in from his middle-of-the-night potty run during the wee hours of tuesday morning, i sat on my bed in the dark & sobbed. somehow, i just knew.

my sweet pup was so tired, and in so much pain, and he couldn’t take care of me anymore, and it was time.

i often hear things speak to me, including other dogs, but i’ve never once heard atlas.

until that moment.

in the moment when i knew, i heard his voice all around me. it was deep + wise + wonderful.

he said it’s ok.
he said i’m ready.
he said it’s time.

his passage was hard + beautiful. his three favorite people – myself, my sister helen, and my mother – were in the room with him. when his legs couldn’t hold him up anymore, i laid on the floor next to him & gazed into his eyes & hugged him gently while i sang his favorite song over & over & over.

you are the puppy that i always dreamed of.
i knew it from the start.
i saw your face and that’s the last i’ve seen of my heart.

i love that song because it’s exactly true. i went to eureka to meet him and i saw his face through the screen door and i knew he was my beloved pup and he would come home with me and i would love him forever.

atlas healed my heart, and taught me about life + loyalty + love. and oh, was he loved in return.

it seems fitting, then, that we buried him in the back yard under a blanket of lilacs + forget-me-nots. (and that while i dug his grave, tears fell like rain from the heavens.)

rest in peace, sweet atlas.
you were (are) my beloved pup.
i am kinder + more generous + more patient + more loving because of you.
and i will love you (more than all the stars in the sky & all the fish in the sea) forever.

atlas is 13! as of march 15th.

can you believe it? (i can scarcely believe it myself.)

his special day included a double hamburger, a long nap with me, a hike by the lake, and lots (& lots) of kisses.

i’ve written a lot about atlas over the years – that’s why so many people love him – but lately, when it comes to my beloved pup, my heart grows & grows & grows until it fills my throat. there are no words left, only feelings.

atlas is a piece of my heart walking around outside of my body, and i so so so adore him.

i was just reading the sweet tribute mama gena wrote to her pup. my favorite lines were these, about people with dogs:

“They are people who have deliberately chosen to let unconditional love into their lives. They are people who want to be reminded daily that they are the most important thing in the world, and worthy of deep relentless adoration and affection.”

oh, did this resonate with me. when atlas came into my life, i didn’t believe i was worthy of love at all. and yet he loved me. fully & completely.

in every moment, he showed me that i was worthy of adoration & affection, simply because i was his person & i existed.

i mean, look at this photo! you know how atlas feels about photos & posing & dogs in costume. and yet he continues to adore me. though let the record reflect that i respected his deep dislike of costumes even though i did take advantage of his fondness for bandanas.

12 years later, i do love myself. fully & completely. the way he loved me all along. in the moments when i falter, there he is, ready (as always) to remind me.

the love of a dog is really something special. and the love of an old dog, oh my. so much slow true depth & richness.

the car stops.

two legs step down.
four legs jump down.
feet (& paws) on the ground.
relief.

the leash comes off.
freedom!
nose in the air, he runs down the sandy beach,
further & further
until
she can fit him
on her index finger.

he looks different somehow.
head
higher.
back
straighter.

when he finally returns,
when panic has made her voice
hoarse,
her mind
dizzy,
she hugs him in relief.

what were you doing?

i was pretending i was my own dog.

atlas says: woof! i am on vacation!

and so he is. i am off to providence to spend two weeks with my sister and her family. atlas will remain here, to enjoy the sunshine & some much-needed time off. (keeping an eye on his person is a full-time job for my velcro pup!)

while i am away, i leave you this: a sunset-striped atlas and a reminder of your light.

people!

the arctic is melting! the arctic is melting! the arctic is melting!

i celebrated with a very long walk and a drink from every mud puddle. also, i peed on everything. (i had to reclaim my town-territory. the local dogs had probably forgotten all about me.)

wow, am i happy. and tired. it takes a while to stretch out my winter legs.

your friend, atlas

p.s. guess how i celebrated my walk? with a nap, of course!

today, following my excitement led me to create this.

because atlas likes me to tell him a bedtime story, and maybe you (&/or a beloved child) would too.

(want more stories? check out the story club! it’s like a fruit of the month club, only with lighthearted + delightful stories.)

a million years ago, i sent my coworkers a terrible + humorous parody of the 12 days of christmas featuring an adorable + saucy pup named atlas. (and by saucy, i mean energetic + inventive.)

a memory of the rhyme popped into my head yesterday in a moment of glee, so i scoured every single one of my digital archives in an attempt to find it. alas, it is gone.

gone, but not completely forgotten.

“on the first day of christmas, my puppy gave to me ..”

i don’t remember any of the items, but i think they mostly consisted of non-edible things atlas had eaten since moving in with me. like one half of a pair of camel-colored knee-high leather boots. or a couch. or a screen door. or a mattress.

how i love/d that adorable + saucy pup!

hello, you.

it’s fall!

i like fall.

we have been tromping through the woods, on and off the trails.

i am smelling all the smells and chasing all the things.

i wish you could join me!

your friend, atlas